As winter holidays rapidly approach, many of us are looking forward to gatherings with a mixture of anticipation and dread. With the understanding that conflict is normal and natural, and that we can do it better, I wanted to share a simple acronym that might help you navigate interpersonal challenges this year and save the holidays for yourself and those around you. No matter how you spend your holidays, here's wishing you good luck, good health and a peaceful holiday season!
Remember the acronym SAVE
S is a reminder to slow things down. When we're anxious or excited, our ability to respond with anything but our fight or flight instincts decreases and our amygdala (the emotional center of our brain) takes over. Before we know it, we're either arguing about something innocuous or packing up to go home when what we really need to do is give our thinking brains a minute or two to catch up. Slow inhales and exhales, 3 times for a count of 10 each, can help us respond more productively.
A stands for assessing the value of the relationship. When we're not sensing impending conflict, we can prioritize a relationship - even if it's with someone we see only once a year or have just met - over "winning" a point or satisfying our desire to tell someone off. If preserving the peace means valuing a relationship over a "win", for your own sake or someone else's, consider giving folks the benefit of the doubt and don't take things personally. If you're comfortable letting them know they've impacted you in a negative way, do that but only in the spirit of trying to connect with them better and sharing understanding. That having been said, if you've tried that and it didn't work, or if what someone has said or done is demeaning or hurtful to you or someone else, let them know. Some points are more important than preserving a relationship and if you've made that assessment, then go for it.
V is for verifying your understanding. Sometimes conflicts arise or intensify because of a misunderstanding about what we think others should know or understand. Remember that we bring our unique selves - our identities, knowledge, upbringings, values, experiences etc... - to each and every interaction we have with others. If something someone says or does strikes you as negative, check your understanding by asking a question before going back at them. Often folks don't know the impact of what they say or do is negative because that's not their intent, so checking in with them about what they mean before responding gives them an opportunity to clarify and correct if necessary. It's the impact of what we do and say that matters more than our intent and we would want the chance to clarify and correct if we negatively impact someone.
And finally, E is for engage. Conflict doesn't get better if it's avoided, and as a matter of fact, more often than not it gets worse. We like to tell ourselves that by avoiding a difficult conversation we're "keeping the peace" but if we hold on to negativity about it, we're not doing ourselves or anyone else a favor by not addressing it. Whether it's in person at the right time - usually privately, after you've had a chance do S, A and V above - or via zoom, phone, email, text, dm, or carrier pigeon (really anything but on social media) summoning up the courage to engage and talk it through is best. Ignoring, ghosting and venting to others may feel easier in the moment, but they make things worse in the long run.
Choose your words carefully, think of how you would best hear critical feedback before sharing any with others, listen as much as you speak, and remember that you can stand up for yourself without knocking others down (I promise). Happy, healthy and peaceful holiday!
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