It's around this time each year that most people start to do one of two things:
1. stress out about seeing family and the resurfacing of unresolved tensions from last year's holiday gatherings; or 2. reflect on what they have, all that they are able to do and share, and remind themselves about everything they have to be thankful for. Most of us do at least a bit of both.
With regard to the first thing (as a prominent female political figure said recently) you're in my wheelhouse. Having spent my entire career in, around and resolving conflict, the advice I would offer is pretty basic: breathe, remember that family is forever and that more often than not when someone is being unreasonable or prickly it’s not about you. Unless it is indeed about you…in which case I have a further bit of advice to de-escalate the situation.
First, listen to them, which is much harder than it sounds. Listen for understanding and not – as we all often do – to formulate a response or counter-argument. Listen to try to hear where they’re coming from and why they feel the way they do. And here’s the key: even if you don’t agree with them, you can validate their feelings and de-escalate what’s happening just by listening.
If you feel you must respond, don’t try to change their mind or talk them out of how they’re feeling, just share your own feelings. Start with an “I statement” as in “I feel” and then point out how their words or behavior have impacted you. Something along the lines of “I feel hurt and attacked when you repeatedly remind me that I forgot to make you gluten free stuffing last year” rather than “Are you ever going to let the stuffing-gate drama go?” (See how the first one comes across just a little bit better?).
Don't waste energy trying to convince them that by all objective measures they're wrong and remember that diminishing the importance of what they’re saying just breathes air into the fire. Then agree to let it go for the sake of family time. There's never a guarantee that using this formula will make things better…humans can be unpredictable. But listening to others and clearly and respectfully telling them how they’ve made you feel are often the best tools we have to transform potentially explosive interactions into challenging but polite ones (you can always argue next year, right?).
With regard to the second thing - reflecting on what we have, all that we are able to do and share, and reminding ourselves about everything we have to be thankful for – that can feel taxing as well. This has been a particularly trying year for many of us politically, emotionally, financially, physically and just in general. Unfortunately, I don’t have any formulas for instant thankfulness. I do however recommend more breathing, some down time and self-reflection and if all else fails, just go outside and look at a tree (seriously, there’s science behind it).
I can say for myself that this year, despite its challenges, has given me many new and renewed opportunities for appreciation. I'm appreciative of my colleagues at Emerson, Wesleyan and beyond for laughing and collaborating with me in innovative and exciting ways. I'm appreciative of my friends for lifting me when I needed it and being present even when they couldn't actually be present. I'm appreciative of my students - past and present - for keeping me real and always helping me evolve. And I'm most appreciative of my family for their love and for putting up with my sometimes um...strong presence.
Even in the most challenging of situations there is always something to be thankful for....here's hoping you find it and that you and your loved ones (whether they're family or not) have a wonderful, peaceful holiday.
Some recent stuff...
It's been a great and busy couple of months!
In addition to my Ombuds duties at Wesleyan University and teaching courses in Pre-Law and Conflict and Negotiation at Emerson College this semester, in September I presented at Emerson's Faculty Institute on Clap-back and Cancel Culture and Lessons Learned from Negotiated Classrooms. I was also in NYC training folks from the Association for Jewish Studies in conflict resolution and ombuds skills.
In November I did a workshop for Wesleyan staff and faculty on Workplace Conflict, Recognizing Bias and Managing Challenging Personalities. And, in light of the new jury instructions, I presented to the Newburyport Bar Association on Recognizing and Managing Bias.
Finally, just last week I was at Harvard Law School on an Alternative Dispute Resolution career panel discussing my work as an ombud and mediator
(photo above). I'll be capping off 2019 with a return visit to Tufts Women in Medicine and Science (WiMS) in December to do a Professional Powerhouse workshop.
Whew! 2020 is shaping up to be even busier (something for which I am also thankful)!
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